Navigating Reality

The Need to Rant!

2006-03-29T18:50:00.000-08:00

So the point of this entry is not to update my blog about my life (which in general is fine, just a bit stressed) but to rant about how much I hate my roommate. Now I know that I had a bad experience not so long ago where I said something in a post that got back to that person but #1, there is no possible way she knows about my blog and #2, I hate her so much, that I don't care.

I think I need a form, a structure to my rant, otherwise it will consume the time left in my evening which was supposed to consist of writing my discourse analysis paper but was interrupted by me getting so angry that I had to leave my apartment and go to my coffee shop instead. And so, here are the top Ten Things I Wish my Roommate Would NOT Do:

10. Have people call her on the ground line at all hours of the day but then hang up when I answer.
9. Bang on the wall when I am practicing my music or any other time she is annoyed.
8. Leave her used tissues around the apartment.
7. Play her bad music incessantly without asking if it bothers me (which it always does)
6. Be nice to me only when she wants something.
5. Object to me having female vistors and be cold and rude to them.
4. Tell me to clean up something when it is perfectly fine or not a big deal at all or her mess.
3. Object to me having male visitors
2. Give me the continually cold shoulder and silent criticism of everything I am, believe in, and do.
1. Exist!

Ok, I know, I am exaggerating. I also do aknowledge that I am not angelic and have annoying habits as well. But she has really made it clear to me that she thinks I am a terrible person, immoral, and disguesting and I am sick of it. I am going to make alternate living arrangements at the end of my lease in July but I have to put up with it until then. Everyone who has met her in the context of my apartment (Emily, Stuart, Aran, Damiana, etc.) has a similarly strong negative reaction. I just hope I can keep from telling her what I think of her until then. Tonight after she basically ordered me to clean the bathroom because she wasn't happy with its cleanliness, I almost called her a great many bad names. Instead, being me, I angrily tried to compromise, did a minimalistic job, began to cry (not in front of her, luckily) and left. I am such an avoider of conflict.

I have wasted far too much time. My paper is not going to be tht great. Sigh. If only I could be brilliant all the time.

A Highly Superior Blender

2006-02-07T14:15:00.000-08:00

I finally recieved my Hannukah present from my parents. It came in the mail today after being backordered for well-over a month. It is a blender. Now I know that does not seem that exciting. You can buy one in the grocery story for less than $20. However, I have gone through two cheap-ass blenders in less than 2 years and am completely sick of it. They all break in the same place - the connecting piece between the base and the container. The last one exploded literally all over my kitchen and completely ruined my day. So I asked for a really high quality blender as my present. It finally came and I am overwhelmed by its superiority to other blenders. It not only is made of steel and glass (instead of plastic), it doesn't even have the piece that usually breaks - it is all one beautifully made piece that sits in a specially designed base. It is so obviously superior to all other blenders that I have named it "the highly superior blender" or HSB. And, not only does it look pretty, it chops up things extremely fast and easily. It treated frozen fruit (normally a difficult job) like it was nothing. I see a future full of smoothies, milk shakes, pina coladas, and happy days.

And another one down

2006-01-18T10:44:00.000-08:00

Boys come, boys go; I don't seem to be able to keep ahold of them. Although in this case it is more that I drop him rather than let him slip through my figures. It was just that he was a bit stickly (clingy), tasted funny and was not as pretty as other boys I've seen. (I'm not sure exactly what metaphor I am using here but it seems to work). Anyways, he is gone and I am left feeling only a little guilty.

On a brighter note, I am indulging myself by taking an graduate level English course this semester on Chaucer and the Courtly Tradition. It promises to be quite fun, even if requiring a good deal of work. I like classes in which we talk about the love between two men in the first class and how women are merely objects onto which to project and manipulate relationships. And Sir Thomas Malory is always fun. It is a little sad that I am more excited about this class than I was about the boy but I guess that I made the right decision. Boys come and go but good authors stay with you forever.

The Wanderer Returns

2006-01-17T14:07:00.000-08:00

After driving 2,500 miles, flying many thousands more, my travels have brought me back to Madison in time to begin another semester of graduate school. I have to say, this break was one of the most enjoyable I have had so far. I spent a week blissfully enjoying the warm weather of the Rivera Maya in Mexico with my family (although traveling with 13 people who are related to you can produce some interesting dinners! I am also tired of carrying my elderly relative's luggage). Then I had a very nice New Years in Cleveland with my childhood friend and her family. Just as I was getting bored of tv, I drove to Connecticut and saw all of my cooworkers at Franklin and reminded myself of the joys and tribulations I am missing there. Next, I went to Boston and played with Dea in her new appartment. It was fun to hang out and remember all the silly things we did in college. My travels then took my by Choate Rosemary Hall for an interview. I am hoping to teach in their summer program as an alternative to taking more classes. Finally, I drove up to Williamstown and entertained my sister for several days before beginning the very long trek back to the midwest. All through break, I cooked, read, knit, played games and watched fun shows; it was entirely enjoyable.

Now I am back and must begin work again. I am trying to figure out my schedule, which is entailing completely changing half of it. I also now have 6 violin students and so will be spending a lot more time working with them. I am looking forward to it. I am off to my first class of the semester. Too bad I think I will be dropping the class. Oh well. I might as well get the transition over with as soon as possible.

Nearing the end of the craziness

2005-12-12T13:48:00.000-08:00

The end is finally in sight of this craziness that they call the end of the semester. Because I am silly and take four classes a semester, I had four final papers (all between 10 and 20 pages long) to write. Through much planning, too many hours of staring at my computer screen and some panic, I have now managed to write at least a draft of three papers and have turned in the final version of two of them today. That leaves only 1 paper still to be written and one that needs some revision - a feasible amount of work for the next week. I may even be able to get started on my holiday shopping.

This being said, my break is quickly approaching and I have not yet organized this pilgrimage to the east coast that I want to make. If only other people would stay in one place I might be able to see them all but of course they all have their own lives as well. Sigh. Another task for my to do list.

Somehow I have acquired a boy without really thinking it through. It is rather odd. Yet again, I missed my opportunity to plan and plunged right in. I wonder if it was a good idea.

I love Snow!

2005-12-03T11:42:00.000-08:00

So it seems like Thursday's snow was just a taste - today is the real thing. I am currently looking out at a world covered in white flakes. I love it. Even waiting for the bus was made better by the snow - it was like standing in a white cloud.

It gives me the happy, excited feeling that good things will happen (and they are:)!)

Snow is happy

2005-12-01T09:53:00.000-08:00

It snowed last night and so this morning I woke up to a world covered in white, fluffy snow. Somehow, snow always makes me happy, sometimes even to the point of giddiness like that of Lorelai on Gilmore Girls. Maybe its leftover from the expectation of a snow day or joy of winter sports but it truly makes the world a better place temporarily (until it melts into black mush).

I 'm especially glad it snowed today because I need the uplift. Between the many papers due in the near future, readings I have not done, and friends I inadventently insulted, I am less than content with the state of things. However, the future is hopeful with sunny Mexico in my vacation plans.

Also, I beat my second midterm into shape and got my fussy professor to give me an A! And I think I will do pretty well on my Ed. Psych paper (after all that agonizing) because my peer critics didn't have many corrections to give. Graduate school work is clearly within my competance and perhaps a bit easier than Swat.

Thanksgiving

2005-11-28T13:47:00.001-08:00

My Thanksgiving break included way too much driving. For complicated family reasons, I agreed to drive to Mineapolis, pick up my parents and sister and drive up north to my Grandmother's house for the weekend. The drive took about 10 hours total and involved far too many miles of flat farmland. The return trip also included a steady rain on the edge of freezing.

Otherwise, I was completely lazy and spent most of my time reading Elizabeth Peters novels (again) and watching Harry Potter movies with my family. I also played alot of scrabble and knit about 4 inches of my sweater. Although I do not regret it at all, the lack of work acomplished over break will make this week rather challenging. I woke up this morning with 6 articles to read before 1pm. The work continues from there.

However, there is only 3 weeks until break. Now if only the 4 papers I need to write (35 pages in all) would somehow magically get written...

Where in the Universe is this boy from?

2005-11-28T13:47:00.000-08:00

In continuation from my previous post, the saga continues. After going out on a date with my friend, he calls me on Sunday night and asks me to a play. Although Aran and I are rather amused by the whole situation, it will have to be cleared up soon. There is only so much of this sort of thing I am willing to play along with. For heaven's sakes, make up your mind, boy!

Boys confuse me

2005-11-21T13:24:00.001-08:00

I have to share the latest episode in the confusing boys saga. Here goes;

My friends (Aran and Damiana) and I went to the Grad Student Bash on Friday (a get together for grad students from all different departments). I got there a bit late because I was waiting for Aran so we came in together, signed up to win things, and sat down with Damiana with some other people I hadn't met yet. Almost immediately afterward, this guy came up and asked with he could sit with us. We said yes and had introductions all around.

It turned out he was a second year medical student from Wisconsin. He seemed pretty normal, (able to converse easily about normal topics) and even a little conservative in his dress (collared shirt with a dark sweater). He gave the excuse that the people he usually went to these things with were not there. We all talked about various things and had a pretty good conversation overall. In particular, he talked to both Aran and myself. As the get togther ended, we (Damiana, Aran, new boy named Chris, and another guy I know), decided to get a drink somewhere else.

The conversation continued, mostly on general topics for several hours. Damiana and my other friend left after a while and we were joined by Paul, a guy Aran is good friends with. The evening ended with us planning on seeing movie the following night as a group (Aran and Paul were not sure if they could come).

As it turned out, Damiana, Chris and I were the only ones who saw the movie (Constant Gardner - sad but very good). While in the movie, Chris kept talking to me so afterward Damiana made an escuse and when home, leaving Chris and I to take a walk. I thought it went reasonably wel; (I was dressed up and was able to keep the conversation going. He suggested checking out a view of the lake which was some distance away and did not seem too eager to end the conversation. Somewhere along the way, he asked me for my number. He also as a side note asked for Aran's number which I gave to him. At the end of the walk we talked about doing something again. I thought maybe it had possiblities.

Apparently, about an hour later (around 1 am), he calls Aran and asks her to have dinner with him. She calls me the next day to tell me and ask what happened and we are both really confused. Damiana and I both thought that Chris was hitting on me and that things seemed to go well but we all also agree that he definately asked ARan out on a date. We are all rather confused.

Chris doesn't seem like the type of guy who would date multiple girls at the same time. Did I read the signs wrong? Or maybe he was always just hoping to get together with ARan and I was just around. It is doubly confusing because Aran was working on Paul and didn't even think about Chris that way until he asked her out.

Boys are so hard to figure out. I'm not particularly hurt or annoyed by this whole episode, just confused. If only dating was simplier: consisting of specfic bird calls or overt gestures.

A series of birthday fun

2005-11-21T13:24:00.000-08:00

I had one of my better birthdays in a while this year. It began early in the week with a lovely package from my sister containing a new, good book (by Margaret Atwood) and the first season of Lois and Clark (superman is soo cool! I want a boy friend who can fly!) The week continued well with finding out that my friends were planning to throw me a birthday party.

My b-day itself was great! I stayed in bed extra late, read my new book and watched my new dvds. I made myself a fabulous brunch, consisting of chocolate chip french toast (mmm). Then I went shopping for the first time in months and got some very cute clothes for very cheap. Almost everyone I know called me to wish me well. Then I went to my party, which was quite fun. I got more presents, a cute cake and a generally good time all round.

The fun even extended to Monday when I got a package from my parents. I like it when people send me things. Birthdays are great.

Birthday week!

2005-11-10T10:04:00.000-08:00

This quiz totally made me laugh

2005-11-06T10:34:00.000-08:00

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone.
You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well.
Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

How Well Do You Understand Men?

This quiz (or at least its evaluation of me) totally made me laugh. I really don't think I understand guys all that well but I was able to manipulate the quiz by thinking how Stuart would answer each of the questions. Hmm. Perhaps I am really learning.

Pretty purple picture

2005-11-06T10:17:00.000-08:00

Your Brain's Pattern

Your brain is always looking for the connections in life.
You always amaze your friends by figuring out things first.
You're also good at connecting people - and often play match maker.
You see the world in fluid, flexible terms. Nothing is black or white.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

I'm not sure if this is accurate because I might have just chosen it because it was purple. Oh well.

Bad Mood

2005-11-01T08:50:00.000-08:00

I am in a bad mood at the moment for no real reason, except perhaps that my sleep schedule is out of wack because I have been getting up early to do observations for my educational psychology class. It doesn’t help that the observations are not going particularly well, meaning that I am not seeing learning as it is described in the theories we have studied in class. I am going to be really annoyed if I get a bad grade in that class just because some stupid teacher hasn’t thought of making his class interactive – I understand the readings really well and talk more than anyone else in that class. It is rather frustrating.

I guess the bigger issue is that I got my first graduate school grade yesterday (a midterm for my sociology of teaching class) and it was not as high as I would like (read A- rather than A). I know I am being a perfectionist and not being particularly reasonable but it makes me frustrated because the professor is not a good teacher. The exam question was badly written, confusing and too big to fit the page limit she gave us. It was a two-part question and I was forced by the limitations she gave to emphasize one part (discussion of characteristics) over the other (differences in author opinions). Apparently I swayed my paper the wrong direction and should have emphasized differences in authors. The other thing that annoys me is the lack of feedback. Other than telling me that my answer on the second part was “perfunctory”, she spent the rest of the 3 sentence comment telling me that I did not write down what question I was answering – which was altogether wrong and if she was actually paying attention when she graded my paper she would have noticed that. Ok. Ranting over – I just want to prove that I am capable and intelligent and it is hard to do so when the exam fails to assess things effectively.

I am not particularly looking forward to the next two months – I have too much stuff to do and I am already getting myself stressed about it. This is not a good sign. However, I am starting to get excited about visiting the east coast in January. Two weeks visiting friends, reading novels, watching movies and tv, and not having any obligations sounds great. I only hope that I can save enough money to do it.

I do feel less crabby after writing for awhile, thought. That is a good sign.

Pie!

2005-11-01T08:49:00.000-08:00

I baked my first pie on Sunday. One of my classes had an extra class that we decided would be a potluck and I wanted to make something good. I also had a lot of apples left over from apple picking and no chocolate chips in my kitchen. Although making the crust was more stressful than I anticipated (I forgot I don’t currently own a rolling pin), it came out really well: it looks like a pie and tastes delicious. I am quite proud of myself.

You had to see to believe it

2005-11-01T08:48:00.000-08:00

I know I was naïve, but I really did think that Halloween in ML was a crazy Halloween party – I was really underestimating the possibilities.

This weekend was Halloween in Madison and, being new to the area, I had to check it out. Now, anyone unfamiliar with Madison needs to know of the reputation for Halloween on State Street. Apparently, this celebration has a reputation across the Midwest for being one of the most insane events of the year. The last few years have including thousands of people, drawing partiers from all over Wisconsin and Minnesota, riots and tear gas. There has been talk all fall about what to do about the “dangers of the event” and the mayor suggested canceling the event. Now the problem with this is that it is not actually an event hosted by anyone. Originally, it was hosted by the student union. But in recent years, they have not been able to insure it so they stopped officially hosting it. Nevertheless, people still come by the thousands to hang out in costumes and drink copious amounts of intoxicating beverages (i.e. beer). Fortunately, the city did not ban the event but merely attempted to make it less fun by bringing in extremely bright lights (picture the ones from a football stadium making the street look like noon at midnight) and assigning 500 cops to the area, complete with riot gear and horses.

Hearing of this famed event, my friends and I decided we had to go and see what all the fuss was about. On Friday, we ended up just going and sitting on a bench to see the people in costumes. The street was maybe 1/4 full of costumed people and police (not much more than after a home game) and it was fun to see all the creative ideas, even if it smelled really bad due to the horse dung. Saturday, however, was an entirely different ballgame. We all got dressed up in costume (mine turned out really well – I freaked out this guy when he saw my teeth and bitemark!). I was accompanied by a Mongolian, a Witch Doctor, an ‘80’s pop rocker, and the cat in the hat. After checking out a party (with some very nice German guys), we walked the mile or so to State street (not a good idea in my shoes). The entire street for about 5 blocks was filled with people in costume, half of them severally intoxicated. Every type of costume was represented from the many have naked girls/guys to full Star Wars suits to a huge Gumby made out of cardboard. It was amazing. We spent several hours forcing our way down the street, trying to keep out of the way of the police and their horses. After midnight, though, it got cold and we had had enough. That was fortunate because apparently after we left, there were groups of drunk people who were shouting and got tear gassed. Nevertheless, there was less rioting than in years past. Bright lights usually do have that effect.

It was an experience to remember, believe me.

Halloween Costumes!

2005-10-27T16:02:00.000-07:00

I am very excited about my Halloween costume. Aparently, Halloween is very big here and since I have been invited to both an outing to observe crazy costumes and a party, I need a costume. So today my friend Aran and I went to a Halloween story to get ideas and props. After looking at the many, cheap looking, pre-made costumes, we both decided to gather small props and make our own.

Picture this:
girl in fairly normal, sexy, going out clothes, perhaps a bit more black and adventurous than usual. You go closer to investigate, wondering what her costume is. Then you see her face, whiter than normal, with very red lips. She smiles and suddenly you know what she is by the pointy teeth - a vampire!

Yes, I know, not the most original idea ever but I am thinking a Buffy type vampire who looks fairly normal until you get close up. I even have this fake bite-mark to put on my neck. It may be confusing for some, but I am happy with it so far. I guess the real test will be on Saturday after I have to deal with all the makeup and stuff.

The advantages of University Life

2005-10-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

I have decided one of the biggest advantages of going to graduate school is the availability of large numbers of people in my age group. Especially after spending two years in a wasteland of interesting 20-somethings, the university campus seems filled with acceptable (if not better) people.

My classes are full of intellectual people who are intensely interested in the state of education in the world. A large group of them are also activist types who are not content to sit by and watch the system fall apart. It is really nice to know that I am not alone in my interest and conviction that something is terribly wrong and we must do something to change the world. Plus, most of them have a sense of humor and are not entirely entranced by the ideology and discourse we are being fed as graduate students. It is good to have people to compare notes with. In fact, I am part of a new group of students who are working toward more informal interaction between education graduate students and moving around the artifical department separations. Unfortunately, it tends to involve a ton of repetitive emails and being put in charge of things I didn't necessarily volunteer for.

I also have found a small group of people willing to do things with me. Strangely enough, several of them are recently back from the peace corps and so are an interesting bunch. We tend to hang out and tell stories or go to campus events. It is nice. Alternatively, I have met other people to fulfill my need to discuss my various obsessions. I now have met science fiction people, Buffy/Angel/Firefly people, a Gilmore Girls enthusiast, several knitters and a group that plays fun games. Not that I necessarily know all these people very well, but at least I know they are out there.

Finally, I have the daily bus ride/walk on campus to look forward to. Everyday I amuse myself on the bus by evaluating the guys who get on. There are many whose features are not at all bad whom someday I might (in another world) try to say hi to. In the meantime, however, I am enjoying the many pretty faces (and other pretty parts as well).

So I am...

2005-10-27T15:42:00.000-07:00

The Sonnet
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf)

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Your exact opposite:
Genghis Khunt

Random Brutal Sex Master

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth

CONSIDER: The Loverboy

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

I guess I'm not as girly as I thought

2005-09-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Funny thats very close to Dea's only a bit more girly.

Really Cute Kids

2005-09-25T10:48:00.000-07:00

I saw a really cute movie last night, called "Mad Hot Ballroom". It is a documentary about this New York City Public School program that teaches 6th graders how to do ballroom dances and then has a competition for them. It was full of adorable kids and was very funny in parts. It reminded me a lot of Spellbound, the documentary about the kids in the Spelling bees. Anyway, for a group of education dorks, it was quite enjoyable. It was also one of the first social events I have been to since I have arrived in Madison, and definetely the first that involved a group of people not gathered together for a particular purpose. We even observed the bizarre ritual called "post-game celebrations" together from the safety of a coffee shop. At some point later I will have to go one about this strange sociological phenomenon but for now I will only say, wow lots of drunk people wearing red and white. I don't want to know what happens when we loose.

What to do when you disagree

2005-09-22T12:37:00.000-07:00

I am currently avoiding my work. Now while that doesn't seem like an unusual thing to be doing, today it is happening for a particular reason: I am really annoyed with my assignment.

I am taking this class called "Reform and Change in Curriculum and Instrucution". The title sounds pretty good. I hoped to get an idea about how changes occur and why and what changes have occur. So far so good.

But the class is taught by this professor who is completely self-involved. He began our first class 10 minutes late without an explanation, didn't go over the syllabus or explain his odd comments on it about not really believing in syllabi. Instead he proceeded to give a 2 class long (3 hours) of a powerpoint presentation that he created for some conference. Not only was the presentation confusing and full of long words, but it did not seem to have anything to do with changes in curriculum.

Now I am supposed to be reading his book, entitled "Struggling for the Soul". However, I have spent probably 4 hours on it and have only gotten through 3 chapters. He is a post-modern thinker (not that that means anything) and never actually seems to say what he means. The whole book is really confusing, disjointed and full of conclusions that don't seem valid to me. What do I do?! It is not like I can make a list of all the things wrong with it and bring them up in the discussion, the author will be sitting there, grading me! I hate it when professors have us read their own work. It puts so much pressure on us as students to completely understand and approve of their arguments. I don't even know what I can say if I am asked or if I will be able to keep my thoughts to myself in class. It is really that bad. Instead of using any research method I am familiar with (like one that includes a description of the methods used or any numbers what so ever), Popkewitz seems to have drawn all his conclusions from snips of conversations with various teachers, taken out of context and then consisters them without any background knowledge about the real experiences in urban schools. Now I know that I am not an expert on urbam schools and am quite willing to believe all kinds of terrible things about them. But I have a hard time believing that teaching kids to take notes is an upfront to their sense of rationality, as he argues. What, are you supposed to let them fail? Would that be better than to try and help them do their work? He seems to imply that all inequality between urban and other schools is imaginary and put there by an evil network of discourse. I find that hard to believe.

Ok, I will stop ranting now and go try to read again. But I may try to throw the book out the window.

Am I annoying or what?

2005-09-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

I am trying to figure out if I am an annoying person to have in your class. This is not something I have ever thought about before. It never even crossed my mind.

In high school, I only talked when I was called on and that only rarely happened in classes other than English. I then answered the question to the best of my ability and then was silent again for the next two days in order to counteract the embaressment.

In college, I spoke more frequently but I never was the student who talked all the time or engaged in side conversations with the professor while all the rest of the class silently cursed them for showing off.

But now, have I become that person? Now that I am finally taking classes in subjects that actually interest me and discussing readings that I actually understand, I find myself contributing to the class much more frequently. I say what is on my mind and even ask the Professor leading question to find out what in the world he was thinking when he wrote that sentence (I still think it is rather weighted to call your book, "Struggle for the Soul" when it is about public education and has nothing to do with religion).

I had two classes yesterday, and in both of them I was one of maybe 4 people who talked and contributed while the rest listened. I find that odd and rather troubling. Am I monopolizing the conversation? I try hard to wait for the full 5 seconds of silence before talking. Or perhaps people really don't know how to contribute to a discussion oriented class. Or maybe they are boring and have nothing to say.

However, I would not have thought about it until I overheard something my apartment mate said on the phone (she spends all her time either on the phone or watching sports on tv, I am lucky if she says 3 whole sentences to me in an evening) about not liking it when people talked a lot in class. I am actually bothering people by talking so much or am I helping the poor professor who is dying for someone else to talk once in a while. I have to say, when it is supposed to be a discussion, I think I am doing alright. But it is a bit unnerving not really knowing too much about the culture of public grad. school vs the discussion centered world of the liberal arts college.

Swatties, Swatties Everywhere!

2005-09-09T07:13:00.000-07:00

I have now had two of my four classes and have been very pleased with them so far. I am taking mostly upper level courses (ones designed for experienced masters students and PHD students) and so really think that the readings and discussions will be worthwhile.

My first class was Theory and Design of Curriculum with the famous Michael Apple (at least he is very well known in the field - they have his books at Borders). Although it was a fairly large class (about 27), he is a good lecturer and has set up the class to include some group work. When I say he is a good lecturer, I mean that he has a strong, confident speaking style, integrates humor in his talks and is not afraid to express his opinions. He also obviously knows his field extremely well. I am really looking forward to talking about educational policies and curriculums that actually take into consideration what really happens in the classroom.

Then, in the afternoon, I had my second class, Introduction to Learning Sciences (an Educational Psychology class). This is going to be my toughest class (I think) because the professor (a youngish psychologist with a lot of energy) has designed it for people who want to make Learning Sciences their field of concentration. The class was a lot of fun, however. It is small (only 10 people) and we began with a simulation game in which we represented interest groups trying to come to a deal about a new research study. I got to represent the powerful manufacturer and so was able to control the outcome (which was fun). The really amazing thing was this: when I got there, I took one look at the TA and thought, "I know that girl...she went to Swarthmore, I think". Later, she came up to me and said pretty much the same thing. It turned out that Alecia was a senior in ML when I was a frosh. We had a nice chat and she is probably going to invite me over because she lives close to me.

It was very odd to meet a Swattie whom I knew in such a big place. But I guess we all end up in academic places eventually and so it is not such a huge deal.

Today, I have an interview for a position teaching Suzuki violin to little kids at a nearby community music school. I am pretty excited because I really, really need to make some money and I love working with kids. It would also boost my musical ego a little because I failed to get into the University orchestra program (as it turned out, I really didn't have a chance, I was competing with a bunch of music majors and graduate music majors). Wish me luck.

Small Fish in a Very Large Pond

2005-09-09T06:56:00.000-07:00

I have finally arrived in Madison and have begun to get my life in some semblance of order. With the help of my parents, I was able to move into my apartment and get my stuff all put away. I really lucked out when I chose my place. It is in a really nice residential neighborhood on what they call the Isamus. I am only a block away from a cute park on the edge of Lake Mendota. If you are unfamiliar with Madison (as I was before last week), Madison is sort of tucked between two large lakes a one small one so whereever you are, you are close to the lake. Being on the Isamus, I am actually between the two large lakes (Mendota and Monona). Anyway, I live in a small modern apartment building (only two floors) in a corner apartment on the first floor. It is clean and modern with wood floors in the common spaces and quite a nice bathroom. The large windows really help keep it cool at this time of year. I am sharing with one other graduate student (she just defended her masters in Educational Policy) who seems nice and definately an ok roommate. All in all, my frantic search on the internet turned out ok.

As much as I like my apartment, the campus of University of Wisconsin, Madison is not to my taste. IT IS BIG and full of the most enormous concrete buildings. Not only is every building at least the size of a small block but there is a huge building for every little subject. In the sciences alone there is a genetics building, a nutritional sciences building ... it goes on and on. The school of education has three buildings, one of which includes a very nice library (did I mention that there are 44 libraries?). It is all a bit overwhelming.

It does not help that my department (Curriculum and Instruction) is huge as well (about 150 Masters students) and also does nothing to help us get to know each other or anything about the department. Other departments had orientation meetings, special classes, get togethers, even parties. Not us. I still have yet to meet more than 3 people in my department.

However, my advisor is very nice (a Swattie!) and gave me some good advise about how to figure stuff out here (basically you need to ask for everything, no one will ever offer or explain stuff simply). She also introduced me to another Swattie in my department who also helped give me advise. Nevertheless, I still feel like a very small fish in a very large pond.

Vermont, the place to be?

2005-08-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

After reading the weather reports and talking to my family and friends in other parts of the country, I have decided that Vermont is the place to be at the moment. We may have bad mosquitoes but at least it is not over 90 degrees and when it is hot, I only have to go a couple of yards to jump in the lake.

Although I am getting a bit bored with being at camp (nothing is new after doing the same routine for four years), it is nice and calm here. Our current group of kids are fun and fairly well behaved, even if the middle school girls are subscribing a little too closely to the group culture best demonstrated by "Mean Girls" (this movie was actually based on an excellent book called "Queen Bees and Wannbes" which I recommend). I feel very bad for them because they have not yet figured out that there is more to life than being cool in the eyes of your friends. Actually having fun and doing the things you want to do seems quite beyond them at the moment. Very sad.

Even though I have been in the middle of Vermont, I have found time to go to some excellent independent and used bookstores in addition to Borders and have read some new stuff. In addition in Harry Potter 6 (I like Harry as a bit more together teenager!), I was introduced to Anne Bishop (I recommend her book, Queen of the Darkness, to those of you who like slightly masochistic heroes and assassins disguised as prostitutes. I have also been ransacking the young adult section and discovered Peter Dickinson (wife to Robin McKinley), "the Keys to the Kingdom series" by Nix and several other worthy authors. Fantasy fans should definitely check out the young adult and children's sections because there is a real growth of talent coming out for kids.

Finally, Vermont stays on my good list because of the Ben and Jerry's stores. I worship them as the creators of truly great ice cream.

All in all, I may be sad to leave Vermont and travel to Wisconsin in 3 weeks.

Plans begin to solidify

2005-07-17T13:37:00.000-07:00

After weeks of things not really coming together, I have final made some definite plans for the fall. I now have an apartment and a roommate. The apartment has two bedrooms, living room with dining area, kitchen, bedroom. I haven't seen it yet, but it is supposed to be sunny and near on of the lakes in a good neighborhood. My roommate is a girl about my age in the educational policy doctorate program. She seems very nice, if a little high maintenance (she already calls me too much). I am very relieved to know I will not be homeless in the fall.

I have also managed to enroll for some classes. They seem interesting but I have no idea how good or how much work they will involve. At least I only have class twice a week.

I have an audition for the University orchestra for when I get there at the end of August. I am already nervous but hopeful that I can manage to get in.

The fall seems much closer now and more real. 5 more weeks and I am leaving the East Coast!

Transitions clog the brain

2005-06-18T13:02:00.000-07:00

I am going through another one of those periods in which everything in my life changes at the same time: job, housing, friends, state... It is probably better to have everything change at once if it all had to change gradually anyway but it is a bit much to handle at the time.

Because I am going to graduate school in Wisconsin beginning in September, I had to quit my job and leave all my friends and my lovely appartment. I spent most of the last month getting ready to leave, around all my school work and other committments, and finally got all my stuff into a large truck last Sunday. I couldn't have done it without major help from my friends (they were fabulous!) and my parents coming to drive the truck. Then, on Tuesday, I had to say goodbye to everyone and drive north to Vermont, where I am spending another summer running my music camp. Leaving was really hard, about the same as leaving Swarthmore two years ago.

Now I am working intensely to get camp ready but I still feel like my brain is covered in a layer of mush and everything I do, I normally would have done better in half the amount of time. It is very annoying. I am hoping that having this afternoon off from all work will help rejunevate my brain before my counselors come tomorrow.

Then all I need to worry about is finding a place to live in the fall...

Creative Writing Exercise

2005-05-17T12:58:00.000-07:00

Here is a creative writing exercise that I made-up for my "Reading and Writing the Short Story" class. It worked really well. The kids said it was challenging but helpful in writing a mood-influenced setting.

Setting the Mood:

1. Brainstorm some possible moods for a short story.
(Mine included depressing, spooky, frightening, peaceful, cheerful, and romanic)

2. Have each person choose one mood.

3. Brainstorming words you associate with that mood word.
(a thesaurus is very helpful here) Make a list of these words.

4. Add to your list actions (verbs) that go with the mood (ex. skipping for Cheerful) and images that come to mind (ex. a clear blue sky)

5. Experiment with your words by putting them into sentences or phrases (rosy red checks)

6.Now write a full setting description using as many of the words and ideas from your list as possible.

For us, this exercise turned into 5 mood influenced settings, some of which included characters and plot ideas as well.

Happy writing!

Decisions, Decisions

2005-05-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

After a long time of procrasinating, several very angonizing unproductive anxiety ridden weeks and a short sprint of actually trying to get information, I finally made a decision about next year (Ok, so I made the decision 3 weeks ago - it has taken me that long to get used to it and get around to posting).

And the drumroll please....

I will be attending.....

The wonder University of Wisconsin, Madison.

Ok, before you give me the slightly confused smile, I will explain why I am not going to Harvard or Stanford.

1. I want people to pay attention to me as a master's student, not ignore me. - hence not Harvard
2. I want a program focused on research and teaching - again not Harvard, not Penn.
3. I don't want to pay a ton of money just because it has the name of an ivy league school - not Harvard, Penn, Stanford
4. The Wisconsin program is rated #1 in the country for Curriculum and Instruction
5. Wisconsin is doing more research than anyone else.
6. It is a better program than the others anyway.
7. My advisor is very nice and a Swarthmore grad.
8. There are other Swat grads in the program (there aren't any at Stanford. Suspicious? I was.)
9. I had to make a decision and I could not explain why to spend $12,000 more to go to Stanford

I am very glad that I have made the decision.

Now everyone will just make fun of Wisconsin winters for the next 2 years.

Exhilaration

2005-03-18T20:10:00.000-08:00

As is typical for me, I was convinced during the application process that no graduate school would accept me. Now I have the shock, pleasure, confusion of being accepted to no less than five of the most prestigious universities in my field. In last two days alone I have been offered admission by Harvard University and Stanford University, adding to University of Pennsylvania, University of Wisconsin-Madison and Boston College. I don't know know what to say, I am overwhelmed.

Now comes the tough part, actually making a decision. I am not sure how I am going to do it. Should I go to sunny but far away Stanford? Cold and friendly Wisconsin, Snobby and intellectual Harvard, Catholic BU or familiar Penn?

Perhaps I should take a poll. What do you think?

Too long a time

2005-03-18T19:58:00.000-08:00

It has been far too long since I last updated this. I won't even attempt to summarize everything that has happened. Instead, consider this list of descriptive words:
stress
emotionally disturbed children
work
long hours
snow
graduate school applications
presents
snow
work
classes
behavior problems
children
sun
warmth
vacation
books
sleep
sex
snow
work
anxiety
students
future

Is that mysterious enough for you?

One day's results: Standardized tests and Nationwide maddness

2004-11-05T17:18:00.000-08:00

Tuesday was an extreme full day for me. It contained a combination of events that resulted in statistics. However, only one set were satisfactory.

Satistical set one concerned the "lovely", inaccurate excuse for an assessment device, the GRE. Yes, I finally gave in and took the awful thing. I have been preparing for it on and off for the last three years (most of that time was included in the off category) and finally gave in to my father's nagging and the little voice in the back of my head that says I should stop worrying and just do it. I was very nervous about taking it because I have not done math for so long and because the test is so poorly designed. I mean, really. Any test that does not let you go back and revise answers during the test section and that tests random vocabulary words and tries to trick you deserves to be thrown in the trash. Nevertheless, I did actually go and take the test and it was not half as bad as I expected. I got a really good question for the essay part (I got to write about alternative learning styles, discuss the movie version of lord of the rings and mention the Roreshock test all in the same essay!). I ended up doing really well and will definetely get into grad school somewhere. Now all I have to do is start filling out applications.

Satistical set two was much less successful than the first one. I got up extra early to vote at the local town hall. It was rather exciting. There were lots of people (at 7 am!) and I got to use a weird machine with lots of levers. And I managed not the pull the Bush level even though I almost did by accident. However, apparently our country failed to recognize the true nature of the criminal currently in office and so we are in for another 4 years of terrible decisions. It is very depressing.

But the good news is that I have the weekend off and there are only two more weeks until break!

Random question for all: what should I get Stuart for his birthday? I am totally at a loss at the moment.

Free Time!

2004-10-16T14:19:00.000-07:00

I am currently feeling surprisingly relaxed and unstressed. This is definetely because our first marking period ended yesterday and I have four whole days in which I do not have any obligations to anyone. This is a wonderous thing. I spent most of the morning in bed (not all of it was spent sleeping, but definetely relaxing), the afternoon alternating between books, comfort foods and my computer and plan to spend the evening watching a movie and perhaps checking out a dance club (yes, it is hard to believe, but there is actually a dance club in my unexciting portion of Connecticut.

I think part of the euphoria is that the last couple days were particularly hectic. Yesterday was Parents and Grandparents Day at my school, I had to present three classes and have intense conferences with five sets of parents. All went well, but stressed me out. Also adding to the stress was the fact that Stuart's parents were visiting for the first time and so I spent two evenings making conversation and trying to remember my manners (it is amazing how much more attention Southerners pay to small formalities). Nevertheless, I seem to have been successful. Stuart was told, in the words from Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade, "You have made a wise choice, my son". It is nice to be approved of, however, I am not sure I like the implications of being a choice already made. I am a far ways away from making any significant choices regarding Stuart, that is for sure.

Ok, so I am not completely free as a bird this weekend. I have ten one-page reports to write and four courses to plan for next quint. Can anyone out there recommend some challenging but not impossible, interesting Renaissance literature? All I can think of is Chaucer, Machievelli and Castiglione and I am not very familiar with any of them. Also, I am trying to decide which Shakespeare play to read with my nineth graders but am impossibly hindered by the amount of unappropriate analysis I did in my Shakespearean class. Although it was quite amusing at the time, I really cannot discuss homosexual tensions in Twelfth Night with 15 yr olds. I think I will get in trouble. If you were a ninth grader which play would you want to read: Much Ado about Nothing? Twelfth Night? Taming of the Shrew? Please do not say Romeo and Juliet as several of them seem to have read it last year and besides, I have always found it rather annoying.

This is Me!

2004-10-13T07:15:00.000-07:00

I took this quiz and found out that I am a hybrid of:

Progressive Girl

Academic Girl

Click on the pictures below to read more:

Its nice to be appreciated

2004-10-01T18:13:00.000-07:00

I have been dreading being on duty all week as the first floor (the girls floor) has been having uncontrolled drama that has been upseting everyone. However, so far (it is only 9:15), it has been going extrmely well. Instead of using hall meeting to yell at and insult each other, the girls did this exercise where they had to interview someone on the hall whom they did not know very well and ask them specific questions. The questions were good (like "What is the best dessert you have ever had?") and resulted in some laughter and animated conversations and NO insults or shouting. Then during study time, I solved a math problem challenge that will get the girls out of homework (it was the trick proof which proves that 1+1=1), helped three girls with oral presentations, connected one to the internet, helped clean one room and advised on two timelines. It is so nice to be helpful and appreciated. Everyone finished their work and happily left the floor to socialize elsewhere. Now they are slowly returning with happy faces and laughter. Such a contrast to the evening I was dreading.

Now if only the peace would last for the next three days of weekend duty!

Excited by heroes

2004-09-25T08:25:00.000-07:00

Although my internet situation has not improved, there is no excuse for me forgetting to post except laziness and the normal plea of overwork. Granted, I did spend 55 hours at school this week and another 10 doing prep work at home, but that still leaves a lot of leftover hours. I wonder what I did with them. I did sleep a lot.

An amazing thing has happened in my literature and arts classes. Somehow my students have become very excited about the epic of Gilgamesh. It is very bizarre. All I did was act out some scenes using modern language and suddenly the girls are planning their own full scale play of the epic and the boys are discussing heroic qualities and actually doing their homework. It is extremely fufilling to watch. I have to admit, Gilgamesh is pretty cool. There is significant material with which to argue a slash interrpretation of the whole story. I mean, Enkidu is supposed to be Gilgamesh's best friend, his perfect match, and everyone goes around telling him how to mold and change his friend into a better person. Gilgamesh's mother even adopts him as her son too. It is all very sweet.

It is once again Yom Kippur and I am trying to figure out all the people I have wronged and how to be a better person. It is pretty hard to remember back through a whole year. It is also pretty hard to concentrate on anything when you are fasting. Stuart decided it would be fun to tantalize me with images of chocolate. My mouth is watering at the thought of a snickers bar right now.

Stress

2004-09-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

Once again, I am very behind on my posts. I do not currently have internet in my apartment (which, by the way, is beautiful!) because I am lazy and reluctant to spend the money. Additionally, the internet connections at school are currently very screwed up and usually unavailable. So, feel lucky, oh reader, to hear from me.

After several weeks of decent work but some great free time, we had a frantic week of preparations. Then, last friday, our students arrived. There are 55 of them (30 more than last year) and they are much nicer, smarter and socially capable than most of our population last year. That makes it much easier and more fun. I am a core leader for 5 ninth grade girls. They are a funny group but I am excited to work with them.

The reason this entry is titled "Stress" is that stress seems to be the theme of this week. I am completely stressed out by my classes and the lack of organization at school. I am teaching two sections of ninth grade literature and arts (a lot of work) and two technology classes. However, I can not teach technology! Not only do I know a lot less about it than the students, but the person writing the curriculum is totally disorganized and the internet system is not working. I dread third period of every day because I go into the class and just wait to be humiliated, ignored and frustrated. It actually has not been that bad in reality, but the anxiety about it is terrible. Fortunately, my other classes are going well so I am less stressed now than earlier in the week. The other problem is that I have been at school way too much this weekend helping with orientation so that I am behind in my work and lacking in sleep. Neverthless, I will get in together soon, since otherwise, nothing will get done.

On a brighter note, Liminal sent me a package of books that made my weekend evenings much better than they would be otherwise. Thank You! Now I just need to get a copy of the third book in the Magicians series (it has more to the name but I can't remember it). Anyone who reads likes slash would love the second book. One of the main characters lets out his inner homosexuality to hook up with his traveling companion. It is great.

Happy New Year to you all.

Catching up with myself

2004-08-30T13:30:00.000-07:00

It has been quite a while since I have been able to write a real log entry. As I am beginning to discover, I do not do very well with transitions. Therefore, since the last few weeks have required a great many sets of transitions (job to job, group of friends to group of friends, life to death, cottage to apartment, summer to school year), it has been a challenging few weeks.

Where should I even start? The second session of camp went very well. My counselors figured out how to do their jobs and so made my life a lot more relaxed. The mosquitoes mysteriously vanished but the rainy weather kept us from enjoying the outdoors for many days in a row. My string quartet performed Turina’s Bullfighter’s Prayer for the camp community. The performance went very well and I am inspired to keep up with my music during the school year. However, although I was sad for the community to disperse, I welcomed the end of camp. By the last few days, I was quite ready to clean up and go on to my next adventure.

However, on Tuesday, just as I was finishing up a few last tasks, I received the sad news that my grandfather had died peacefully at home that afternoon. Although we all knew that it was only a matter of time, it came as something of a surprise. I was able to arrange a last minute flight from Connecticut for Wednesday evening so I left camp in a flurry of last minute packing and shortened goodbyes. Driving to East Haddam, I was met by Stuart and had the opportunity to see my new apartment before flying home (more on it later). The three days I spent in Cleveland were sad but gave me the opportunity to connect with my family and some old friends. Flying back and forth, it was like entering an entirely different world for a couple days, experiencing the bittersweet sadness of memories and caring people, and then returning to the real world of work and school.

I returned to Connecticut last Saturday and have spent the last week in orientation/faculty meetings during the day and moving/unpacking in the evenings. It is great to meet the new faculty members and although the administration’s disorganization drives me crazy, we are light-years ahead of where we were last year. I am going to be teaching two sections of ninth graders this year (six per class) and probably three electives. I have my own classroom again (yay!) and am in the process of planning all of my classes. This school year promises to be incredibly busy but more predictable than last year. I can only hope that I do not burn out too quickly.

My apartment is a dream come true. I am living in a renovated Victorian House off campus. You enter through the front door, climb one flight of steps and arrive at a low ceilinged hallway. My apartment is at the front of the house. It begins with a small entryway with a red floor. If you climb three steps you can duck out onto my tiny porch or enter my bedroom. The bedroom is painting a greenish brown with beautiful white moldings on the ceiling and a marble fireplace. It came with a huge wooden wardrobe that enhances the Victorian feeling of the room. The main room of the apartment is a full two stories high. As you enter, there is a steep spiral staircase at your right that leads up to a small loft room. The main room also has a bay window and a very nice kitchen area. The bathroom has a tube with feet and looks out onto the enormous yard.

I love my apartment and have spent the past week putting everything away and thinking about decorations. The only fault I have found so far is that whoever lived here before allowed it to become infested with flees. The enormous number of red blotches on my legs and torso has slightly hindered the process of moving into the rooms. The landowners very quickly sprayed the entire apartment but I am not convinced that the problem has entirely disappeared. I have the itchy feet to prove it.

Why can't it just work!

2004-08-28T15:04:00.001-07:00

So I just finished writing a very long and decently well written post about what has been going on with me during the last few weeks (which is a lot). I wrote it on my laptop so that I could sit at home and do it. Unfortunately, now my computer is refusing to talk to the network at school and so I can't access the internet! It is so agrivating. I am feeling too annoyed to retype the entire thing so I guess I will just wait until Monday when somebody will hopefully be able to fix this problem.

Here is a preview of it until then:
Goodbyes at camp
Death and old friends at home
New people, new apartment and flees at school

I hope you all are intrigued enough to check back later for the full story.

Almost free!

2004-08-16T12:56:00.000-07:00

No time to post (why would a college library ever close at 4pm?) but here are a few updates:

I can not believe it but my summer is almost over.
Stuart came to visit me! It was very enjoyable.
My campers are all gone.
My counselors are all gone.
I am almost finished with all my silly paperwork.
I have a new apartment that I get to see on Thursday!

Not quite angelic

2004-08-03T10:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, so maybe they are not all angels.

The last week has been another mixture of rain, supposed rain that never arrives and a few blissfully warm, sunny days. However, although most of the campers are still well behaved, some of them are showing their annoying/aggravating sides. Besides the normal mix of exasperating personalities and spoiled brats, there are a number of pranksters in the bunch.

Here is a summary of the weeks "exciting events":

Sunday - the watermelon set aside for dinner disappears and reappears on the roof of one of the cabins.

Tuesday - during the night, several of the picnic tables mysteriously move themselves onto decks and a canoe navigates itself under the rec. hall.

Thursday - a canoe carrying three campers and a inexperienced counselor "accidentally" flips over and becomes totally swamped, luckily only feet from shore.

Saturday - the weekly candy search reveals such goodies as pixie sticks in shoes, tootsie rolls in a water bottle and godstoppers in a hidden pocket.

I am hoping that the serious talks we had with several of the pranksters will be effective. Then all I need to worry about is the increasing number of camp couples. If only they all stuck to holding hands.

Angels on the Lake

2004-07-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

I am in shock at how different my current campers are from my students during the year. Not only are in possession of sophisticated social skills, impressive musical abilities and developed intellects, they are all pleasant and fun people who just want to have a great experience. They practice more than they have to, participate in activities and go to bed at night. They even line up from snack without any prompting! I don't know if I can go back to my lovable but incapable NLD students.

Now I am not saying that life on camp is uneventful. I did have to ask several boys to mop the kitchen floor after stealing a watermelon and depositing it on the roof of one of our cabins, but they were such great sports about it, I can't blame them.

I had another pleasant day off which I spent in Manchester, Vermont at the outlet stores. I am very pleased with my purchases, even the somewhat odd skirt I got at Peruvian Imports.

Now, I need to go back and practice the viola. I am currently in a string quartet and playing a quirky piece by Turina called the Bullfighter's Prayer. Playing viola in an ensemble is rather fun but I need to watch my intonation because it is bigger than my violin and my fingers have to stretch a lot further. Whatever I am playing, it is wonderful to be making music after an entire year of virtually no music.

One short day

2004-07-18T11:01:00.000-07:00

Even though I have failed to update my blog for a while, contrary to public opinion, I am still alive. I merely wasted my last day off in the small but entertaining city of Burlington instead of spending hours in a cold library online. It was definitely worth it because I found a great sale at Banana Republic (the store I love but can not afford to go into, let alone buy things in) and got three tops and a beautiful silk skirt. I even got to wear my new outfit immediately because we had a faculty concert that night. However, I almost did something bad to it because I had to run around on wet ground. I was very annoyed but our bus failed to show up and I was forced to organize things even on my day off.

The concert, however, was quite enjoyable, as was the party afterward. Unfortunately, I stayed up far too late and was unable to function properly for the next two days. It is hard to run a camp when all you want to do is sleep. Additionally, as much as I keep forgetting this fact, my counselors are 19 and totatally inexperienced. While they try hard and have good instincts, they are incapable of doing/leading anything on their own. Nevertheless, I am getting tired of organizing everything for them. It makes me tired and grouchy and I, while I do a lot of the work, the kids worship the counselors and ignore me. It is a rather bad deal, don't you think?

However, I am not going to dwell on work today, because I am off! This is the weekend between our two sessions and for 24 hrs, I have no responsibility. It is great! Last night, the music faculty cooked an amazing dinner, very French with wine to match every course. Afterwards, we watched Sex and the City and I got to talk to my boy for the first time in a while (he is in Washington state leading this amazing adventure program for teenage boys). Then, we all broke a number of rules/laws by taking out the rowboats and sitting in the middle of the lake looking at the stars. It was amazingly clear and we saw a number of shooting stars. Today, it is raining and I will use my time to catch up with my reading, movie watching, eating, email, cleaning and sleeping before the kids arrive tomorrow. It is nice to know I am half-way through the summer. Eight weeks is a very long time to work this hard and live on a mosquito infested camp.

You would think that I would be far too busy to read, let alone engage my mind in intellectual pursuits. Nevertheless, I have been reading a number of amazing books that have inspired me to work on my curriculum for next fall. I discovered a great list of books for beginning teachers ( http://www.polytechnic.org/faculty/gfeldmeth/teach.html) and have been working my way through some of them. I am just finishing The Passonate Teacher, which is amazing and am going to read The Quality School next. I also recommend To Teach. They all combine thought-provoking ideas about curriculum and pedagogy with real stories about teaching. Additionally, they are written in a way that makes them readable for pleasure, something I could never say about the literary theory I read in college. I think I have found my field!

Update from the lake

2004-07-06T11:56:00.000-07:00

Every morning, I wake up early, before 8, and have to drag myself out of my warm bed and into the cold of my room. I throw on clothes, jeans and a sweater, and hurry down the wet, grassy hill, trying hard not to slip and fall in my flip-flops. As I walk into camp, the bell rings for breakfast and I open my eyes for the first time. Set before me is the most beautiful view: grassy field changing into a small, sandy beach, leading down to grayish blue water. If it is not cloudy, this scene is set before a backdrop of rounded, green mountains. This scenery, even when obscured by clouds, mosquitoes or complaining campers, never fails to calm me and put me in a good mood.

It has been raining off and on for the last two weeks, wrecking my carefully prepared schedules, soaking the campers and turning the field into a mushy obstacle course. My favorite trip, the strawberry picking expedition, was almost ruined by a thunderstorm complete with huge pieces of hail. Fortunately, it stopped long enough for us to pick a lot of strawberries and enjoy another fabulous Vermont view. Nevertheless, I am a bit tired of rain. I would like to be hot and have to wear lots of sunscreen while supervising my camp.

The fourth of July was a Sunday this year, which made our games a bit unusual and disorganized. Nevertheless, the fireworks on the lake were above expectations. I especially approved of the ones that were not being set off next door. There is such a thing as too much noise.

This summer is both dragging and going very fast. I can't believe I need to start planning the second session already and I feel like my time to prepare for the next school year is dwindling. However, it has also been three weeks since I have seen my friends from work, and it feels like even longer. I am already counting the weeks until I return to Connecticut.

The Illusive Calm

2004-07-02T10:11:00.000-07:00

It seems like a mini eternity since my last post, but it has really only been two weeks. Still, a lot has happened in that times or, more accurately, I have done a lot. Here is a summary:

-My counselors arrive. They are young, naive, well-wishing, unskilled but have good instincts, and unable to do anything without help. I attempt to train them in the arts of running activities, being on kitchen duty, and working with kids but seem to only install in their heads a few basic principals and an amicable dependence on me. Oh, well, it is nice to be needed. And they are always so happy to see me.

-I fly to Philadelphia for my friend, Julie's wedding. Her dress is beautiful, the wedding is small but pretty and everyone seems to have a good time. Even the cakes surpasses expectations. I have a good time, even though I don't know many people. The bachelorette party, on the other hand, is highly entertaining but completely embarrassing. Let us just say there were many athletic, nearly naked men involved. I stay with Dea and helped her take care of a evil spirit in the form of a puppy. I was very tempted to bite it back. I return to Vermont just in time to greet the campers.

-My campers arrive. They are extremely nice kids and lots of them are very talented musicians. Only a few of them will get on my nerves. It is great!

-I organize and lead a week's worth of activities. Very tiring. I get up at 7:15 and do not have much of a break until 11 at night. But everything goes well and is fun.

-My grandfather continues to get better, against the predictions of everyone. I am convinced that he just decided not to die.

-I have today off and plan to spend the day eating, playing on the computer, buying books and sleeping. It sounds great.

-I have to go back to work tomorrow and there are a million things I will not have done. Oh, well, I will worry about it tomorrow.

The craziness of the world!

2004-06-18T13:02:00.000-07:00

I was very excited about having a blog and was planning to update it at least every week, if not every few days, and then the craziness of the world caught up with me and it went to the bottom of my to do list. Now it is hard to even know where to start with my ideas, reactions to events in my life, and general emotional storm.

Among the craziness was:
· A day in which all my students were insane and went two separate students were disciplined for biting another two different students in separate instances.

· A class in which a senior cried real tears while telling me I was expecting too much from him when I asked him to make corrections to his five-paragraph essay.

· Going to New York for the opening weekend of the third Harry Potter Movie. This experience included: going sailing in the harbor, eating Tai food, seeing the movie (which was great!), drinking on a large sail boat, taking the subway to an unfamiliar place with two people I had just met, one of which was throwing up, sleeping on the floor and getting lost in an art museum.

· Writing 10 page-long grade reports in 2 days.

· Going home to see my grandfather die but having him decide he was not at all ready.

· Packing and moving everything I own in three days.

· Saying goodbye to my co-workers.

· Knocking some sense into my significant other.

· Beginning to organize a camp orientation.

I can only hope the rest of the summer will be a bit calmer

Roses

2004-05-30T17:59:00.000-07:00

As I was cleaning my room today, I was inspired to write this. Comments are welcome.

As she entered the room, the hint of dark red caught her eye. On the bare wood of the simple table lay a bouquet of roses, wrapped in cellophane. Crossing the room quickly, the girl picked up the offering. The roses smelled sweet, their rich scent hinting at a kind of superfluous luxury alien to the scantly furnished room. The girl gently unwrapped the flowers, noticing for the first time that there were exactly a dozen of them, ornamented with a few tasteful ferns. Her first clear thought was one of slight regret. Twelve expensive flowers seemed excessive, cliché and unoriginal. She wished it had been one rose, lying alone with a romantic note or a bouquet of lilacs, her favorite flower. Hunting through the cupboard, she found a glass vase, given to her by her mother. When the roses were finally settled in their doctored water, the girl stopped for a moment to examine them and the cloud of emotions now clearing in her mind. The roses themselves were a beautiful color but seemed to have suffered from their journey from some far away hothouse. Several were just beginning to wilt, having already bloomed for their time. The girl wondered if her lover had remembered to put them in water, or if this offering had been left to the last minute and had suffered from a shortage of choices. Smelling them again, she was grateful for the gesture toward romance. Although she had requested a Valentine celebration, she had not expected roses. However, she wondered if these particular roses, unoriginal and dying, reaching for a feeling of romance that somehow escaped, were a prophetic message concerning the relationship. Was there a lack of depth, bond and understanding missing in their connection, hinted at in this gesture? The girl shook the feeling, replacing it with careful gratefulness, and went on with her day.

******************

Four months later, the dead, dried roses seemed even more symbolic.

Random thoughts

2004-05-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

Wow, I have got way too obsessed with looking at people's blogs and thinking about what I am going to do with mine. Does anyone have any suggestions or helpful hints on formating? Thank you to all my friends who have put links to my cite on their pages.

Today, one of my students wanted to drop my class in order to avoid writing the final paper. While he is a senior (ah, wonderful senioritis) and has four other papers to write in the next two weeks, I have no feeling of pity because it is not as if I am asking for a 20 page research paper. I only am looking for a five-paragraph essay. And, he will have more than hour to work on it in class. Why are kids so lazy and how in the world will they ever get through college? Oh wait, they probably won’t. They will fail out and spend their lives with their rich parents supporting their drug habit. I love my job, it is so happy.

Actually, I am rather excited by the fact that one of my most difficult students, one who is intelligent but has major educational and psychological issues, is actually going to complete a research paper. It may not seem like much, but it is impressive when I remember the agony I went through in September to get her to write a paragraph. Maybe I am not so terrible a teacher after all.

I have yet again run out of things to read. I was very happy last week because I discovered a new author/series. Sharon Shinn has this really interesting trilogy that crosses the fantasy/science fiction non-existent divide. It involves a planet that is governed by Angels who have a special way of communicating with their god. It may sound weird, but the characters are detailed and interesting, the plot is engaging and there are several appealing romances. I highly recommend it for escapist fare. Hopefully, I will find something more to read when I go to the library tomorrow.

My other new obsession is the tv show, Freaks and Geeks. I had never heard of it until my friend bought it (along with the complete Friends and Saved by the Bell) as a teaching tool for social skills. It was only on for one season but it is the most realistic picture of high school life and characters that I have seen yet. It is also pretty entertaining and has really great music. Check it out if you have a chance.

Conforming to Inevitability

2004-05-26T02:11:00.000-07:00

Although web-logs and personal web journals have been popular for at least the last three years, I have never felt too tempted to create one of my own. A couple of summers ago, I was extremely bored and built a simple html website to use up uneventful hours, but that did not last very long, especially when “real life”, in its deluded college form, began again. However, here I am with my very own blog. What am I doing? Is this merely me avoiding the many papers I need to grade, forms I need to fill out and lesson-plans I need to create? Or is it a jealous response to my friends' literary, beautifully written blogs? Perhaps I am feeling disconnected with the world’s intellectual community and am reaching out to others who use their intelligence to do more than complete their daily tasks? Whatever the reason, I have started this blog and will make an effort to put my ideas on paper.

For I must have things to write about. I live in the real world, not an isolated artificial community of college but in rural Connecticut. I get up everyday and work with some extremely challenging kids, trying to push some knowledge into their spoiled, slightly malfunctioning brains. I interact with people, my co-workers and students, and even attend social events. And I read – enter worlds of fantasy with a frequency that is even a little frightening to myself. My brain is filled with thoughts and opinions, frustrations and goals. What makes these less suitable for publication than those of any other human?

I think I will use this space to share my thoughts, stories and ideas, and, even if no one ever reads them, I will know that at least they are out there, floating in that abstract world of the internet, accessible to the comments and criticism of my peers.